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Next time your cat licks you...

A chance for you to fail

More life tips

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Quote of the day

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive.  Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little 
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. 
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe  
clippers right here.'"


    --Jerry Seinfeld

Tips on life...

 "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."

   --Elayne Boosler

Pretend you're a fly

... and irritate this man.

Australian lawmakers are in dire need of a Sociology class...

Gangs are becoming a problem in some parts of Aussieland... the solution? Write in a law banning them. Small Chinese man: "HEY! ewe ah ben! GO WAY!" BANG BANG DEAD. If there's one thing murdering, violent gangs will do, it's obey the law. Confirm fail.

Click here

Daily Telegraph Special

Click here to read on some of the most ridiculous complaints by holiday makers.

Here are some highlights:

1. A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".--- Yes, I've always wanted a man who could drag his wee-hu along the floor with a straight face. Your wee hu should be BIGGER than an elephant's! A divorce in this case is completely inevitable.

2. "The beach was too sandy." --- To be honest, I can definitely understand this. You find yourself still washing sand out of your butt crack after 3 weeks. Terribly unpleasant.

3. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."--- Ah yes, sorry about that one. The fish are usually hanging around in Starbucks.

Elderly man fails.

This is a special announcement for all you Ford Model T owners - the millions of you. (I'm clearly very good with the applicability of my posts.) Next time you bust out your sweet ride keep your eyes on the look out for the Pigs. This poor senior citizen was ticketed for speeding. It's awkward enough that he's driving a car that was made in 1923. This car doesn't have a speedometer. He was driving at 30 miles per hour and holding up traffic.

How to Hide an Airplane Factory

Top: Before, Bottom: After. During World War II the Army Corps of Engineers needed to hide the Lockheed Burbank Aircraft Plant to protect it from a Japanese air attack. They covered it with camouflage netting and trompe l’oeil to make it look like a rural subdivision from the air.

I realize this information is highly inapplicable to your personal life. It's still fricken cool! Don't worry next 'How to...' guide will be some relationship advice.

All time fave court room quotes.

BTDUBS: These are all taken from court documents... (well, according to this site)

1.

• Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
• Witness: "July 15th."
• Lawyer: "What year?"
• Witness: "Every year."

2.

• Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
• Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
• Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
• Witness: "Er...his face."

3.

• Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
• Witness: "Yes, sir."
• Lawyer: "What did she say?"
• Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

4.

• Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

MIGHTY FUNNEEZ.

Cuteness 101

"National Zoo Announces Rare Clouded Leopard Birth"

This is quite possibly the most adorable thing I've ever seen in my life. Not even Voldemort could resist stroking it - let's be honest.

What song was number one the day you were born?

... Nothing compares to you by Sinead O'Connor.. totes didn't know that song was so old.

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Seriously Cool

If you think you have trouble at airport security, think again...

Airport security sucks for this babe who has over 6000 piercings. And she doesn't even like piercings. Double fail.

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Free Hugs

This woman was arrested for domestic battery when she tried to give her boyfriend her hug. Completely understandable. She is major fugs.

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Awkward Turtle: Frog

Seriously Awkward Frog
Click here

What's next after the Liger

Napoleon Dynamite made Ligers famous - of course, they're bred for the skills and magic. Well this is old new BUTTTTTT who knew there was such a thing as a WHOLPHIN. Featured above is a bottlenose dolphin, a whale and they're offspring - a wholphin. UNREAL. ZOMG.

Sorry to all middle class housewives

India moves to patent yoga poses in a bid to protect traditional knowledge. That's got to be a challenge - sometimes I can't tell the difference between yoga and the Karma Sutra.

To read more click here

Beer Pong = Herpes

According to the Center for Disease Control, unprotected beer pong play is nearly as dangerous as unprotected sex.

Click here

Prison security in Athens, Greece fails

Two of Greece's most wanted men have staged a daring helicopter escape from Athens' highest-security prison - for the second time in three years.

Armed robber and kidnapper Vassilis Paleokostas and his Albanian offsider Alket Rizaj were days away from standing trial for their escape in 2006.

They fled the prison after a helicopter landed on the jail's roof and threw them a rope ladder.

Click here to read more on the FAIL

Nuns fail...

Nuns of a convent in upstate NY sold a painting to an art dealer for $450,000. The next day the art dealer sold the painting so someone else for $2.2 million. In defense of his actions, the 'sister stiffer's lawyer said, "buyer owes no duty to advise a seller that the seller should raise its price."

i.e. it's not my fault that the nuns are bad business people.
i.e. fail

New York Failsssss

The state of New York spent $500,000 of Taxpayer's money on a FAILBOAT. The ferry was purchased from Martha's Vineyard. Inspectors of the boat deemed it 'not seaworthy'. Repair costs are estimated at $6 million. Fail New York. Fail.

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Question of the Day

The following question was submitted to Seattle's 911 Police Online Blog.

I live near Aurora Avenue North and on two different occasions have caught prostitutes and their clients either in my driveway (in a car) or in my yard.

Is it legal to shoot trespassers with a paintball gun, water cannon gun (Super Soaker), rubber band gun -- essentially any "non lethal" weapon -- within the city limits of Seattle?

Click here to see the answer

Sticking it to the man is SEXAYYYY

An airline pilot was asked to remove his shoes and belt at airport security checkpoint. Instead he dropped his pants and said:

"SEARCH THIS".

Click here

Touch me baby

This Valentine's day was interesting for some.....

If you want to see very special moments caught on camera then CLICK HERE

A lion is enjoying having his balls grabbed!

Utah senator has more than 89 screws loose

It's fair to say this guy is slightly conservative and well just plain spastic. According to Liberal4Lyphe over here, "Gays are probably the greatest threat to America." Failed banks, foreclosed homes, global warming, and al-Qaeda all sent in their official complaint letters noting how unimpressed they were.

S.A.D. Mr. Mormon. Confirm fail in life.

Fat James Bond with a spastic GF

The man in this picture bears no resemblance to Pierce Brosnan, Daniel Craig, or Matt Damon. Yet his girlfriend believed that Fatty himself was a spy. She even signed the 'Official Secrets Act'... oooo yikes! Anyways, he convinced her that he was sent to save to her form her killer boss who intended to poison her with anthrax. Then she gave James Fatty £14k.

What the new stimulus package could buy

... According to the Boston Globe.

My faves:
1. More than 222 billion Big Macs
2. Pay off all US student debt
3. Mitt Romney's Utah ski home - more than 149,000 times over
4. 1,760 Celtics teams
5. Cover money lost in Madoff's scheme - 16 times over
6. Pay the salary of Massachusetts' top-paid worker for the next 1,283,713 years

What would you spend $787 billion on?
All US student loan debt
	51.5%
Other
	21.8%
11 years of salary for every elementary school teacher
	15.1%
222 billion Big Macs
	8.6%
45 million Pontiac G5s
	2.5%
19.6 billion digital TV converter coupons
	0.3%

Share your preference by clicking on the link above.

Fail/Megalol Epic Combination

Employees at a British hotel said they were ecstatic to receive a $250 billion tip. They imagined all they would do with the money. Here's the catch: ZIMBABWEAN DOLLARS. Inflation in Zimbabwe is 23 million percent. Employee fail. Zimbabwe fails a bit more though.

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This gives me the megalolz... shame...

"What Hurts The Most"

Uhhhh pass.

No thanks....

I Heart Albino Animals

ALBINO ALLIGATOR!!!

With his piercing blue eyes and pale skin this rare alligator stands out like a sore thumb. Weighing over 500 pounds, Bouya Blan is one of only 12 white alligators in the world. The 22-year-old, whose name means white fog, lives along with three other giant leucistic alligators at the world famous Gatorland theme park in Florida.

Click here

Prisoners can, Soldiers cannot.

So although the beef cake below is accessing his Facebook and uploading his hot babe pics soldiers have now been banned from social networking sites. Posting information on the internet through blogging, joining in forum discussions or online multiplayer games is now considered "public disclosure of information". There are concerns that British Army personnel may inadvertently disclose confidential information.

Alllooo Laidees, I'm Pete, I like wawkin on va beach an the coordinates for ah ahmee baise in Afganistan ah FAIL.

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Prisoners can be facebook addicts too!

Like this hot babe's profile pic? Add him as a friend! Doesn't matter that he's a convicted killer at a prison. He'll always be available to poke you. The 27-year-old is serving life at HMP Lindholme in South Yorkshire for stabbing a man through the heart.But he manages to access Facebook every day by using a mobile phone that was smuggled in to the jail. Brilliant security, really. Oh, and he also says being in jail is like being on holiday. Cheers.

Click here

AHHHHH

Scary Picture of The Day

Crazy Cats

These Nepalese crazy cats have succeeded in making me feel crap about myself. Walking up a few stairs throughout the day is enough exercise for me. These brothers walk up the Himalayas for the morning stroll. So just for kick, they're going to spend a day on top of Mount Everest.. you know... to take in the view. Don't forget to pack a picnic, boys.

Click here

Failtron

This is the story of the most epic failtron to walk this earth... A man claims he's innocent and blames his identical twin for the crime. His birth certificate states a single birth. So he goes on to claim it was his Siamese twin. Some people are so dumb it's unreal. And why did his lawyer think this was a good defense to go with?

The worst part was that after his shitey defense failed, the defendant laughed and said, "it didn't work." You think?

I will fly your plane with my legs.

An armless woman from Arizona has received her pilot's license. She looks awkward and uncomfortable. But either way, congrats!

Click here

Two of The Hot Babes

Two of the hot babes Chantelle supposedly slept with and therefore potential daddies of Maisie.. according to the Sun.

15 year old mum a bigger slut than initially thought

According to this article, two other teenagers have stepped forth claiming paternity for the baby girl in the above picture. Turns out Chantelle (mummy) was sleeping with EIGHT GUYS AT ONCE. Suppperrrrslllutttt!!

If you want to remain anonymous, getting naked is a crap idea

If you just robbed a bank, and you're worried that authorities know what you're wearing, taking off all your clothes isn't the best way to avoid unwanted attention. This genius didn't know that.

Save me, you big brave boy!

When firefighters arrived at the scene of a flooding Inn they were continuously disturbed by a wasted guest. The drunk lady kept mooning the men and kept asking to see their wee-hoos.

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No PDA on V-Day!

There is a land where people travel from afar. Tis the land of making out. Now a kissing ban has put a stop to that. Click here to find out more about this Mexican kissing ban.

Fatty Mantatee!

A manatee that was stuck in a pond at a private golf club in North Palm Beach was rescued today, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission reported.

The manatee measured 500lbs and was 6 feet long. What a whale.

There's Better Green Over The Pond

Teenagers in Britain are getting legally high on a synthetic form of cannabis that is four to five times more powerful than the active ingredient in the real drug. The drug isn't even illegal yet - it's 'under review'.

Don't believe me? Click here

Happy They Were Fired

Click here for a list of 8 people who are very happy they were fired from a job in their lives.

The list includes Jerry Seinfeld and Michael Bloomberg.

Could be you!

They forgot Mariah Carey though. Virgin Records paid her $28 million to get lost in 2002. Then she came out with The Emancipation of Mimi which went 6 times platinum. Fail Virgin.

Get Kidnapped, On Purpose, For Fun!

A company is now offering kidnapping services for your entertainment. Apparently people like to be stalked, and feel like they're going crazy.

This sounds like a parrtaayyy!

Sad sad but still fail.

A woman sadly failed on V-Day a couple of years ago.

She organized to jump out of a cake with lingerie on in the middle of the restaurant and propose to her boyfriend.

The fail part was that he said nothing and walked out the restaurant.

Click here

Sex Ed teacher is a tool

... wears a condom on his head and puts on red undies. Hurrah!



You can find the article here

Sucks To Be You....

A 13 year old boy and his 15 year old girlfriend have had a baby.

Oh yes...and the story is veryyyy touching.

Instead of playing PlayStation, he goes to the hospital to see his daughter! Nice choice pal!