Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'"
Gangs are becoming a problem in some parts of Aussieland... the solution? Write in a law banning them. Small Chinese man: "HEY! ewe ah ben! GO WAY!" BANG BANG DEAD. If there's one thing murdering, violent gangs will do, it's obey the law. Confirm fail.
Click here to read on some of the most ridiculous complaints by holiday makers.
Here are some highlights:
1. A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".--- Yes, I've always wanted a man who could drag his wee-hu along the floor with a straight face. Your wee hu should be BIGGER than an elephant's! A divorce in this case is completely inevitable.
2. "The beach was too sandy." --- To be honest, I can definitely understand this. You find yourself still washing sand out of your butt crack after 3 weeks. Terribly unpleasant.
3. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."--- Ah yes, sorry about that one. The fish are usually hanging around in Starbucks.
This is a special announcement for all you Ford Model T owners - the millions of you. (I'm clearly very good with the applicability of my posts.) Next time you bust out your sweet ride keep your eyes on the look out for the Pigs. This poor senior citizen was ticketed for speeding. It's awkward enough that he's driving a car that was made in 1923. This car doesn't have a speedometer. He was driving at 30 miles per hour and holding up traffic.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Top: Before, Bottom: After. During World War II the Army Corps of Engineers needed to hide the Lockheed Burbank Aircraft Plant to protect it from a Japanese air attack. They covered it with camouflage netting and trompe l’oeil to make it look like a rural subdivision from the air.
I realize this information is highly inapplicable to your personal life. It's still fricken cool! Don't worry next 'How to...' guide will be some relationship advice.
Friday, March 27, 2009
BTDUBS: These are all taken from court documents... (well, according to this site)
- Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
- Witness: "July 15th."
- Lawyer: "What year?"
- Witness: "Every year."
- Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
- Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
- Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
- Witness: "Er...his face."
- Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
- Witness: "Yes."
- Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
- Witness: "Yes, sir."
- Lawyer: "What did she say?"
- Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
- Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"